The All Time Tops

When I was a kid, the top grossing movies of all time list always captured my interest. I remember when E.T. surpassed Star Wars, and then Return of the Jedi took it back. Or something like that. There was always a new top movie of all time, and it was always one that I liked, so it was fun to watch.

Even later, in the next era, when Jurassic Park took the top spot, I was cool with that. If I was gonna have my childhood fantasy universes implode in upon themselves by the knowledge that no longer did everyone share my version of a perfect movie fantasy world, it might as well be by a movie about dinosaurs. I mean, if you can't have light sabers, then a T Rex in the modern world will have to do.

Then came Titanic. Yeah, I saw it in the theater. It was a first date, too. NOT a good idea. She was funny though, and we both bitched about what a depressing first date activity it was, then went to a bar and sang karaoke to lighten the mood. The story sucked, and the fact that people were crying in the theater at the end actually seems kind of funny now (is that wrong?), but it was kind of cool to see what it might have been like to be on that ship on that day. No one had ever showed that before. But number one of all time????!!! Clearly the world's tastes had shifted. For the worse. Very disheartening. Where was the 1980s optimism? Where was the 1970s sense of fantasy? Did most people really want to see not just tragedies, but tragedies that REALLY HAPPENED? With sappy ass pseudo-Celtic theme music performed by a hateful anorexic witch?

After that I kind of stopped paying attention. I suppose it could be likened to the rest of the baseball playoffs, now that the Cubs are out of it. I was so jaded I didn't really care what movies took over. I'm sure there were a few other huge box office phenoms that I barely noticed.

Thankfully, America (and I guess, the world) came to its senses. We FINALLY had Lord of the Rings, then a couple Spider Man movies to kick off a new era of superhero related blockbusters. No longer would I have to endure obscure rubber-suited crapfests of my childhood heroes (Swamp Thing). I actually can't believe they made two of those. But I digress.

The next era was marked by a tug of war within my heart. Fantasy worlds stayed on top, which was nice for a geek like me. Too bad they were the worlds of Shrek, Pirates of the Crapibbean, Independence Day, and the ultimate heart breakers, the new Star Wars movies. THAT period of time was really like watching the Cubs make the playoffs every year only to get swept. I had such hope. Oh Mr. McDonald, what a fool believes, indeed.

This was followed by a short stint of kickass redemption. And by short I mean two movies: Ironman, who took the heart of the ocean and shoved it in his chest to power up, and The Dark Knight, in which two Titanics are forced to sink each other. Sweet.

I fear for the next swing of the pendulum though. I really do. I mean compare these lists of top films from each era:

Late 70s / Early to mid 80s:

1. Star Wars
2. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
3. Return of the Jedi
4. E.T.
5. Raiders of the Lost Ark
6. Jaws
7. Superman
8. Ghostbusters
9. Back to the Future
10.Beverly Hills Cop

Fuck yeah.

The 90s:

1. Titanic
2. Jurassic Park
3. The Phantom Menace
4. Forest Gump
5. Independence Day
6. The Sixth Sense
7. Ghost
8. Terminator 2
9. Toy Story 2
10.Batman Forever

Ok, some good ones in there, but...ok 2 good ones in there, and some real turdburgers. You can see where this is headed.

The Oughts (2000s):

1. The second two Pirates of the Caribbean loot your wallet
2. Charlie and sucking factory
3. Harry Potter discovers he's gay
4. The second two Matrix movies discover they're gay
5. Bruce Almighty
6. Cars/Robots/Other inanimate objects made further inanimate by Disney and Pixar
7. Signs (that M. Night Shyamalan's career has peaked)
8. Superman Returns in the same movie but with worse special effects than the one 30 years ago
9. Evan Almighty
10.The Polar Express to soullessville

What a dark, dark time. And then:

The Late Oughts (2007-08):

1. Ironman
2. The Dark Knight
3. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Go Fuck Yourself

Alright, two outta three ain't bad. But here is what I predict for the future:

2010-2020:

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua nips away your taste
2. The Bratz movie
3. Paris Hilton fucks a dog
4. Hanna Cyrus: Sticky Sweet: Books Are For Burning (concert film by Martin Scorsese)
5. Leo and Russell Crowe and Colin Farrel do something tough
6. Disney's FUCK YOU GIVE US YOUR MONEY YOUR STUPID KIDS LOVE OUR SHIT
7. Night at the Museum 4: National Treasure 6
8. National Treasure 7: Night at the Museum 5
9. Harry Potter Almighty
10.Alvin & The Chipmunks (re-release)

I weep for our future. I wonder what's number one right now? What? What do you mean IT'S STILL TITANIC?!?!?!