L.A. Story - In The Public Domain: One Bum To Rule Them All

Reminder: All of these things happened in public and most of the time in broad daylight.

As a native Southern-Californian, I have seen my share of bums, hobos, vagrants and tramps. But a few weeks ago, I witnessed one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Unable to truly comprehend what I was seeing, I quickly dialed up one of my Fellow Peach Basketeers.

The following is an exact transcript:

John Waters on Safari: Dude... what is the largest number of shopping carts that you've ever seen one bum with?
Fellow Peach Basketeer: Uh, I don't know. Maybe one or two. I think I remember hearing from someone who saw a guy with four carts once. Why?
JWS: Because I am in my car right now looking at a bum with EIGHT shopping carts! This fuckin' guy has EIGHT carts! He has so much stuff it's unbelievable. I think he has more shoes than Imelda Marcos.
FPB: Whoa, whoa whoa.... first of all, bums don't have things. And secondly, you're lying. What you're describing is not possible.

(There is a short silence as I am horrified that an alleged friend and Fellow Basketeer would question my integrity while I simultaneously question my own existence.)

JWS: You're questioning me?
FPB: I am not only questioning you... I am calling you out. You're full of shit.

(Stunned, I quickly gather my thoughts. How can I possibly prove myself and earn back the trust of said Fellow Peach Basketeer?)

JWS: Wait a minute! I have a camera! I'll take some pictures and I'll email them to you as soon as I get to a computer.
FPB: You're going to take pictures of the bum?
JWS: Is visual evidence the only way that you're going to believe me?
FPB: Yes.
JWS: Then absolutely.

Behold, the greatest bum of them all:



Taken in the side-mirror of my car while driving, I captured the henceforth-dubbed Super Bum dragging five of his eight shopping carts full of goodies across traffic. Not only was each cart full, there were multiple bags full of detritus hanging outside of every cart.



It has been suggested that much like the Highlander, this Super Bum gains others bums' powers after he steals their carts. This is not a man to be crossed. In fact, he may not be a man at all. Perhaps explaining how he came to have eight shopping carts, I believe the Super Bum to be more like The Kurgan.

There can be only one!

L.A. Story - In The Public Domain: Part One

As I make my Peach Basket debut, I feel compelled to live up to the quality of the posts that precede this one.

Over the last eight years, I have worked in the television industry so I have had plenty of free time on my hands. During that time, here is just a sampling of the unique and exciting things I have been witness to on the streets of Los Angeles and Hollywood.

Reminder: All of these things happened in public and most of the time in broad daylight.

Saw a man taking a crap standing up - On the corner of Kinglsey and De Longpre in Hollywood, this man decided that he had to go and that it would not wait. Good for him. I don't think I can possibly overstate how shocking this was to watch. Why did I not avert my gaze you ask? Well, for some reason seeing a man with his pants down kinda grabs your attention. And when that man has what you think to be a tail but then it turns out to be just a really long shit coming out of his ass, that image just gets seared into your mind's eye.

Multiple instances of bums lunging at/striking random passers-by - Every time I witness a confrontation between a bum and a non-bum, it just reinforces by belief that whenever you're accosted by a bum just give him some damn change and keep walking. I don't need my obituary to read: "He was having a day just like any other day... until he ran into Hobo Joe." Just ask yourself, do you really need that dollar? The most recent instance happened on Hollywood Blvd. right in front of the Pig'n Whistle. The innocent bystander was some douchebag in a corduroy sportcoat. He probably had it coming.

Smoking hot chick picks her nose and eats it - OK, I know what you're thinking. I just finished telling you about some guy taking a dump in the middle of the street. How is picking your nose and eating it even close? Well, I'll tell you. I was driving to work one afternoon on the 101 and just as I passed the Vermont off-ramp, I spotted a gorgeous brunette in the car next to mine. Think Jessica Alba-hot. I mean, she was unbelievable. But, I was sitting down in my car and she in hers. How could I possibly tell? Dude, sometimes you just know. Anyways, I digress. We kept driving along for a few minutes as I stole occasional glances her way. She then proceeded to pick her right nostril, the one facing me. After digging out whatever was ailing her, she fucking stuck her finger in her mouth! I almost crashed my car.

I hope I have lived up to the lofty standards set by my fellow bloggers. Part Two coming soon.