Rare Praise: The Dark Knight

WARNING: If you’re one of the six people left in the world that hasn’t seen The Dark Knight yet, there may be spoilers below. If, like me, you’ve already seen it three times, then read on.

I hate hype. Rarely, if ever, does a big summer movie live up to the hype that inescapably accompanies it. The recent Indiana Jones and Star Wars poop-farms come to mind, although as far as I’m concerned, those franchises are still only trilogies. Let’s just pretend those other four “films” never happened, shall we? Oh, sorry; five “films”—someone keeps letting George Lucas make Star Wars movies, only now they’re fully computer-animated instead of being only 95% computer-animated. Don’t you have enough goddamned money yet, George? FUCK!

But I digress. I’m not here to chastise Hollywood for butt-fucking yet another good idea to death. I’m actually here to praise them for somehow managing to churn out what is arguably the best piece of summer entertainment I’ve ever seen. The Dark Knight’s hype was grandiose, yet the movie itself still managed to deliver more than any ad campaign could have ever promised. Try swallowing this: from the same studio that brought you Batman and Robin comes yet another comic book sequel…but with a dark and complex story, featuring stand-out performances by an all-star cast, one of whom posthumously gives us one of the best villains in movie history. Sounds like total bullshit, right? Nay, good readers. It be the gospel.

Now I’m not saying this film is flawless. Even after three viewings, I still can’t figure out why Batman doesn’t just send Gordon to save Dent and rescue his beloved damsel in distress himself (aside from the fact that blowing up your love interest is fucking NAILS, Brothers Nolan!) And I just can’t shake how forced Heath Ledger’s laugh seems to me throughout the film. (In the dead man’s defense, that shit ain’t easy to pull off, and it’s the only chink in an otherwise masterful performance.) AND, in a movie filled with Batmen and Jokers and Eric Roberts of all people, my disbelief only became unsuspended when not one of those ferryboat passengers was able to blow his condemned counterparts straight to hell. (But perhaps that’s more telling of my own lack of faith in mankind than any glaring misstep by the filmmakers.)

Which brings me to the point of this little column, dear readers: the fact that a Batman movie can make me question such things as my faith in mankind is nothing short of extraordinary. The mere notion that an escapist popcorn fantasy could elicit such thought and emotion from even one its viewers is simply astounding. If for no other reason than that, this movie has raised the bar for me. Not just for action movies or comic book movies, but for movies in general. The Dark Knight showed me that movies don’t have to be just 90 minutes worth of mindless, useless drivel aimed at temporarily satiating an increasingly apathetic, idiotic public. Movies can make you feel, they can make you THINK. Hell, they can inspire you to write blogs about how inspired you are to finally be inspired again by this medium that once so inspired you! In short, movies are still everything I hoped they could be.

So I add my voice to the hype for The Dark Knight. But now I’ve probably built it up too much. Maybe you should go see The Clone Wars instead. I hear George Lucas needs the money. Douchebag.

Movie City Blues, Part II: Waking Up From Reality

I'm in Los Angeles now. With gas money and a dream. The trappings of success are painfully visible all around me. Now I just have to help myself to a job as a...

...valet. Yup. My first 6 months in LA were spent parking rich people's cars at a fancy hotel. I was so broke at the time that I regarded a keyless remote as a status symbol (still don't have one as a matter of fact). In a town that runs on who-you-know, my uncle’s colleague’s daughter got me my first break in the biz.

The gig was as a runner for a post-production/trailer house in Burbank, an excellent entry-level job. I spent most of the day driving around the city and got to know the geography of movie industry Los Angeles pretty well. I also learned that being an office monkey is not my thing. Lunch orders, filing, tape labeling... ugh. I hated it. And, working in post was not my idea of a good time. I wanted to be on set.

Looking for the next gig wasn't any easier. At this point, I had a very tiny circle of friends. Fortunately, a couple former roommates from Tucson had moved out and they too had tiny circles of friends. One of these friends worked for a show called Paradise Hotel. I almost got hired as a "talent handler" for them. Bullet dodged. Another friend worked for a little show called Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And at the time it was a little show. It hadn’t aired yet and no one knew what huge hit it was going to be. After a ton of pestering, I convinced them to hire me as a Production Assistant.

“Congratulations, self,” I thought, “you’re on a real live TV show.” And I was. It was a great experience. I stayed on for three full seasons, getting promoted first to Assistant Production Coordinator and then to Production Coordinator. I got paid to travel the country. I worked some hellacious hours in some even more hellacious weather. I got to be a defender of the faith for reality TV since I was on one of the "good" shows. It was a gig I could be proud of. And it got me nowhere closer to the aforementioned dream.

Neither did The Girls Next Door (awesome in its own right in that I got paid to hang out at the Playboy Mansion), Star Tomorrow (don't remember it? Neither does anybody else), or Armed and Famous (8 freezing, miserable weeks in Muncie, IN that I will never get back).

Here's why. Reality TV is its own beast. While there are some similarities between the production of a reality show and a traditional one, there's one big difference: a script, and and the shooting thereof. I wasn't learning that on reality shows, and I'm kind of a writer, so that would be a good thing to learn, no?

And so, I left behind the comfort and (sigh) comfortable paychecks of reality and struck out for the scripted world. Again, I had a very limited number of contacts there. But I got lucky, one of my former PAs was PAing all over the place and got me my first gig.

I won't recount them all here. If you want to know what I worked on you can go here for the complete list. I worked on some great shows like Weeds, and some not-so-great ones like Cavemen. I learned a shit-ton about how shows get made. The nice thing about being a PA is that you really do get to see everything. The not-so-nice thing is that you get paid minimum wage or just above it. But you can afford to live on that because you're working 75 hours a week and they're providing your meals (most of the time).

Being a production assistant also puts you on the road to becoming an assistant director. “I can make a living doing that,” I thought. I had a goal. And it was a fantastic learning experience. Being a PA, you get to see and hear it all on a set. I was in first and out last. I took pride in my long hours and dedication to the job.

Time went by. The novelty wore off.

A year and a half later, I was still looking at a good 300 days to reach the magic number of 600 to qualify for membership in the Director's Guild of America. At 24, this would not be a problem. At 34, it was troubling to think of another year and a half of brutal hours at just above minimum wage pay for the right to work another 150 days in commercials and out-of-town productions in order to become a full-fledged 2nd AD. I’d had enough of being labor in someone else’s dream.

Which brings me to the here and now and the business of getting on with the dream. Here is the dream: to make good movies, even great ones. What I realize – what I’ve learned – is that the only way to make my own movies and tell my own stories is to simply start telling those stories. And I simply did not have the time to tell those stories while accruing all my valuable industry experience. I have stepped out at the bottom hoping at some point to step back in closer to the top.

My goal is to land a 40-hour work week making enough money to pay the bills writing during in the other 35 hours I gain by leaving the industry. It’s going to be tough. A temporary agency at which I’d scheduled an appointment this morning called me to cancel the appointment. They told me my “expectations for work were too high” given my resume.

Of course, the dream doesn’t live at the temp agency. It lives in me. I just need someone to pay me while I live it.

L.A. Story - In The Public Domain: Part One

As I make my Peach Basket debut, I feel compelled to live up to the quality of the posts that precede this one.

Over the last eight years, I have worked in the television industry so I have had plenty of free time on my hands. During that time, here is just a sampling of the unique and exciting things I have been witness to on the streets of Los Angeles and Hollywood.

Reminder: All of these things happened in public and most of the time in broad daylight.

Saw a man taking a crap standing up - On the corner of Kinglsey and De Longpre in Hollywood, this man decided that he had to go and that it would not wait. Good for him. I don't think I can possibly overstate how shocking this was to watch. Why did I not avert my gaze you ask? Well, for some reason seeing a man with his pants down kinda grabs your attention. And when that man has what you think to be a tail but then it turns out to be just a really long shit coming out of his ass, that image just gets seared into your mind's eye.

Multiple instances of bums lunging at/striking random passers-by - Every time I witness a confrontation between a bum and a non-bum, it just reinforces by belief that whenever you're accosted by a bum just give him some damn change and keep walking. I don't need my obituary to read: "He was having a day just like any other day... until he ran into Hobo Joe." Just ask yourself, do you really need that dollar? The most recent instance happened on Hollywood Blvd. right in front of the Pig'n Whistle. The innocent bystander was some douchebag in a corduroy sportcoat. He probably had it coming.

Smoking hot chick picks her nose and eats it - OK, I know what you're thinking. I just finished telling you about some guy taking a dump in the middle of the street. How is picking your nose and eating it even close? Well, I'll tell you. I was driving to work one afternoon on the 101 and just as I passed the Vermont off-ramp, I spotted a gorgeous brunette in the car next to mine. Think Jessica Alba-hot. I mean, she was unbelievable. But, I was sitting down in my car and she in hers. How could I possibly tell? Dude, sometimes you just know. Anyways, I digress. We kept driving along for a few minutes as I stole occasional glances her way. She then proceeded to pick her right nostril, the one facing me. After digging out whatever was ailing her, she fucking stuck her finger in her mouth! I almost crashed my car.

I hope I have lived up to the lofty standards set by my fellow bloggers. Part Two coming soon.

Crapping On My Childhood, Part II

I have really mixed feelings about this one. And it looks like it's going to happen:

Movie: Red Sonja
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Star: Rose McGowan

Now don't get me wrong. I like Robert Rodriguez. I don't even mind if he goes over the top a little. Just not Grindhouse over the top, or Sin City over the top. Ok, Sin City over the top might be cool for Red Sonja.

But Rose McGowan? She's attractive and all, but she's not Red Sonja. RS needs to be really tall, for starters. And tan. And ripped. And never have dated Marilyn Manson. She's too....pasty. I just don't see it.

Still, it's an improvement over the original casting idea. Are you ready for this? Lindsay Lohan. And yes, I am completely serious. The only reason they didn't go with her? She gets in too much trouble. That's it! Otherwise, she would have been perfect for the role.

This company could fuck up a soup sandwich.

Crapping On My Childhood, Part 1

I may or may not know of a company that is planning a Conan movie. They may or may not have interviewed an actor the other day for the lead. That actor may or may not have been from AMERICAN GLADIATORS.

He was.