Tuesday, August 26, 2008

50 Worst Album Covers of All Time - Part 1


My friend sent me this list from Redeye, a free daily edition of the Chicago Tribune. There, now I've given them credit, which is fine because these are pretty good. However, as they declined to provide any commentary on the photos, I figured I'd add my own. So here we go...


#50

It's as if Meathead's family was in Sears shopping for matching outfits when they realized you could get a portrait done in front of a barn mural! Incidentally, this album came with a bucket of fried chicken, and a tire.


#49

I have so very many questions. Is that Dickie? Does she really have that many arms? And what does an inhibited drum rhythm sound like?


#48
This is an obvious fake. First of all, Russians don't smile. Second, there has never been a balloon in or around Russia, ever. Third, this guy in the front, if he were really Russian, would have eaten that thing instead of wearing it on his head.


#47

Thank God he told us it was him, Orion, reborn! I never would have recognized him behind that mask. I might have known, though, since the original Orion wore more than one color. And a belt. Well played, sir.


#46

Your guess is as good as mine. Let me just tell you that one of them bites the guitar for most of the act.


#45
Apparently, Tucker was plagued by horrible nightmares. Huh? It says trucker? Oh God, that's even worse.


#44


The first thing to understand about your Swede is where to put the apostrophe, and any extra "e's" you might have layin around. The second is where to hide if he's carrying an axe and a sack.


#43


C'mon, this is kind of clever. Especially considering the mule thought of it.


#42


If this were a list of the fifty BEST album covers of all time, this would take number one hands down. Somebody fucked up here.


#41

Incomparable. Talk about "le mot juste." When it takes FIVE masters to present you, and your name is in chrome, you are truly incomparable. Look how close he is to that mirror. Magnifique! That is a mirror, right?


#40


The Julcia clan tried to cash in on the new "love and peace" era that had made their kind of folk music obsolete. They started by offering "lots of it." They even convinced Papa Louie to have his first and last names appear in pink and blue. It wasn't easy. Papa Louie hated coloreds.

The point was moot, however, as the entire family was killed in their sleep by "Little Jackie," who insisted he was NOT "one of the boys."


#39


Sadly, Ken didn't get many requests. But he wouldn't have been able to hear them anyway. Ken was catatonic.


#38

For one brief, shining moment each morning, Rick really was free. Free from his shadow. Free indeed. The goddamn file folder was another story.


#37

You know Les originally wanted to call this space boners or some shit. Fuckin Les. He was like that.


#36

You do not EVER want to know what it takes to make Merrill happy again. Seriously, right now you have about four minutes to get out of the room.


#35

Yep, that's right. He has a "best." I wonder who would win in a death fight between him, Merrill, and...


#34

Tony was like a God. King of all he saw. Looking down on his world. Of insanity.


#33


One member of this "band" has murder in her eyes. Another one has the weapon in her hair. Those McKeithen boys never stood a chance.


#32


I don't see what's so wrong about this.


#31

And grows up to be Leatherface.


#30


A) Nothing is dead here except your eyes, Weela. B) What kind of a name is Weela? Is that supposed to be like Phil McKracken or something? Because I don't get it. C) Your "adult comedy laugh-in" features clowns, monkeys, and straw hats. D) You used the phrase "an hysterical." I sentence you to death before you kill the monkey, too, you fat bitch.


#29


I'm not gonna lie. I want to hear this album.


#28

That's nice. Dress up some poor blind girls in terrible clown outfits and do their hair like it's Halloween, then take their picture and sell it. Why don't you set some cats on fire while you're at it?


#27


C'mon, now. This is at least a little bit clever. It's a play on that Herb Alpert cover, but with old ladies. They have to know that they're....oh dear God you're right, it's disgusting.


#26


Everything that needs to be said is already there. Joyce. Fifty Cents.

Next time: #25 to #1!

3 comments:

Gina said...

Goddammit you're so funny sometimes I need my whole body to hate you.

The way I took "Understand Your'e Swede" was more, "One day you'll accept that you've got a shitty job at the mill, eight kids, a lunch of lingon berries and lingon berries for your dinner, and there's no changing that. Understand that you're Swede til you die."

G

DP said...

HA! Lingon berries.

Hotel Queen said...

Ok, make fun of Merril Womach, but he has a Wikkipedia page- do you? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Merrill_Womach