A Likely Scenario: Lee Majors vs. Andre the Giant

First of all, I have to give credit to the fine folk over at Basketbawful who dug up this gem. Sometimes you have to stretch to find A Likely Scenario; other times they just drop in your lap. Here's the set-up, per Basketbawful:

That random mention of the Six Million Dollar Man -- not to mention seeing Big Baby's beastly physique -- reminded me of the awesomest episode of any TV series ever: The one where Steve Austin fought Bigfoot. But before all you hippies start getting your panties in a bunch, don't worry. No actual Bigfoots were harmed in the making of this video. It was actually a robot Bigfoot created by space aliens to protect their secret mountain lair. And no, I'm not making that up.

It's an astounding piece of footage. First of all, I remember loving this show as a kid. Can someone please tell me why? Was I (and the rest of America) naive enough to believe that Sound Effect + Slow Motion = Bionic? Apparently, yes. Watching it with my 2008 eyes, the effects actually combine to make Lee Majors look perilously unathletic, and a tad dumb. (Note: I question neither the physical nor mental capabilities of Mr. Majors as he both married and divorced an in-her-prime Farrah Fawcett, so he obviously had the physique to capture her and the good sense to release her back into the wild where she could go crazy all by her lonesome, in front of millions.)

On the flip side, Andre the Giant as Bigfoot (take that, John C. Reilly!) looks positively spry in this clip for those of us who only remember his arthritic and oafish (yet, brilliant) performance in The Princess Bride. I like the fact that for the Sasquatch roars, they actually used his unmistakeable Dread Pirate Roberts growl.

And the dialogue! Despite the hilarity of Colonel Austin's attempts to communicate with Bigfoot, the cake-taker for best line has to be:

No, I'll still bet on the Sasaquatch.

Because what oppresive alien regime wouldn't allow wagering on mythical robot-beasts? And the actor says it with such smugness that we know it's only a matter of time before Andre the Giant Robot gets his arm torn off. Thanks for the foreshadowing, pal-o-mine!

Which brings me to the actual fight. This is as good as "so bad it's good" gets. There really aren't enough bongos or piccolos in action scores anymore. And, man, those sound effects! In addition to the trademark "Bionic Noise", we get awesome bomb sounds every time someone hits the ground. And how quaint is it that once little Stevie Austin has dismembered Sass, he lets him have his arm back. You know, instead of beating him to death with it? It's enough to make my head explode to think that at one point in our televisual history, the sight of two men, one in a Bigfoot costume, mind you, fighting in slow motion could command seven minutes of prime-time network television. SEVEN FREAKING MINUTES. That's basically a sixth of the show's running time once commercials are accounted for. And people watched this. Apparently everyone really was doing drugs in the 70s.

I love this video and only regret that I can't find the sequel: "The Bionic Man vs. A Solid Wall of Rock." (Note to alien gamblers: Don't bet on the wall.)